Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
You Might Also Like
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever