*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
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U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
These are my emotional support Pringles.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules