My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
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Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I’m being attacked 😭
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I am yelling
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.