Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
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[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Pat is about to own someone
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?