God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
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[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.