I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
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GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
#gardening
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”