Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
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Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
That’s not how days work.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
That’s incredible! 👌
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes