My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
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ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.