In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
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me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
When you let grandma cat sit
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
“We will wed,” I threatened
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)