Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
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Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
those birds must be on payroll
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
*pronounces patio like ratio
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.