Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
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I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
two people or more is called a problem
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
multitasking lunch
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!