The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
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Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.