Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
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i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
giddy up Office Depot
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’