Tell me you get it…🤣
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*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law