All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
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We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
This cat wants you to take your pills
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person