Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
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I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Not😆🤣
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer