Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
You Might Also Like
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Cheer up.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am