The Compass
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Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?