Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
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‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.