My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
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My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’