My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
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[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Extremely relatable.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
This is I, Robot all over again
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now