BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
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Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled