My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
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Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.