I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
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Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”