son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
You Might Also Like
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.