Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
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Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.