[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
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“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.