I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
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My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?