fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
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And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.