Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
You Might Also Like
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Breaking news:
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.