me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
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*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Awesome parenting 😂
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.