Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
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Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.