The options really are this bad
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Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.