I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
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a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
tell em, edith-anne
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Don’t snitch tag.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
🥶🥶🐶🐶
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?