How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else