Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
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I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going