“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
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[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
My daily affirmation
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!