I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
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my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those