[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
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He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
New favorite tiktok
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.