BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
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*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño