I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I wish I were this cool 😂
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
why isn’t he texting back
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time