Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
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PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.