her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
You Might Also Like
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos