Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
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Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.