Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
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[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”