“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
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[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?