Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
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If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that