[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
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I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
BRAKING NEWS!!
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.