life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
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we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me