Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
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ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Put a ring on it
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.